开心果 laughter is the best medicine

[diversifyx2]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.


After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.


She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again .....he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

It pays to be careful around old people!!!


<TABLE style="BORDER-COLLAPSE: collapse; MARGIN-LEFT: 2pt" border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 2pt; WIDTH: 499.25pt; PADDING-RIGHT: 2pt; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top width=666>

Laughter is the best medicine

1. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everyday'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'
2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus, 'send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'..... .

3. Losing all your friends
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says 'If you continue to behave like this, you're going to lose ALL your friends.'

4. Importance of a period
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mum fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'

5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential? '
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '

6. Anger management?
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush


<TABLE style="MARGIN-LEFT: 39pt" border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>









</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>



</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

 

[diversifyx2]

New High School Exit Exam.............!!
(Passing requires 4 correct answers)
​

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats ?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islandsin the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below ..

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

8) What color is a purple finch ?Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange(of course)

What do you mean, you failed? Me, too.
(And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!)
Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may feel useless too.

 

[desperateuk]

Keep coming.

 

[diversifyx2]

<TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; PADDING-TOP: 0cm" vAlign=top>My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,

"Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time , simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....



********

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home .

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me '

And she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home , I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the

Social Security office!

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'

And then the fight started.....



****

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and

whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And that's how the fight started ...



****

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I

kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at

a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to

drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she

hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....



****

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other

driver got out of his car.

You know how so me times you just get soooo stressed and

little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me , and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY! !!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....



****

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my

order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And then the fight started.....



****

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me

a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And then the fight started......
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

 

[diversifyx2]

<TABLE style="WIDTH: 100%" class=EC_MsoNormalTable border=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; WIDTH: 99.68%; PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" width="99%"><TABLE style="WIDTH: 100%" class=EC_MsoNormalTable border=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" width="100%">Kopi and bread
Which is more talkative, kopi or bread


*Scroll down for the answer....

Answer: Bread.










Because BreadTalk but Kopitiam!?!

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>