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Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine

yinyang

Alfrescian (Inf)
Asset
Take a break from Parliament Q :p

The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey” has seduced women – and baffled blokes.

Now , Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men.

The book's author Colin Grey recounts his love encounters at the bottom of the garden.
Here are some extracts...


Fifty "Sheds" Of Grey
We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall.
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
---------------------------------------------------------

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.” So I took her to Home Depot.
---------------------------------------------------------

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
---------------------------------------------------------

Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains
and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
-------------------------------------------------------

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky !” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”
--------------------------------------------------------

“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip.. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
-----------------------------------------------------------

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”
-----------------------------------------------------------

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my
concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
---------------------------------------------------------

“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.
---------------------------------------------------------

“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”
--------------------------------------------------------

“Are you sure you want this ?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able
to sit down for weeks.” She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge suite on eBay.
---------------------------------------------------------

“Punish me !” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
 

yinyang

Alfrescian (Inf)
Asset
Why I Like Retirement !

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Ans wer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal ..

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

And, my very favourite....

QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
 

yinyang

Alfrescian (Inf)
Asset

SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied....

'Two years older than me'

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..

She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
---------------------------------------------------------

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked...

She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

This reminds me of my mother - at 90 she liked to comment on how she “had no enemies”.
The devoted daughter that I am, reminded her that she had probably outlived them all....

-----------------------------------

The nice thing about being senile is ...
you can hide your own Easter eggs
and have fun finding them.

---------------------------------
I've sure gotten old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.

I'm half blind,

can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia.

Have poor circulation;

hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,

I still have my driver's license.
 
Last edited:

yinyang

Alfrescian (Inf)
Asset
More on Retirement...

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,

so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,

by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

--------

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff

in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'


THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people

I never liked anyway,

the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and

the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

Always Remember This:

You don't stop laughing because you grow old,

You grow old because you stop laughing!

 

JOKERCHEW

Alfrescian
Loyal
Elderly retired couple went to church.
halfway thru service,
wife leans to husband and said:
"I have just let out a silent fart.
what shall i do?"

Husband: get a new battery for your hearing aid!
 

JOKERCHEW

Alfrescian
Loyal
90years old man went for a medical check up.
Doctor gave him a jar for a sperm count.
Man returned next day.
jar was empty.
doctor asked what happen?
Man explained.
i tried with right hand, left hand, both hands.
My wife helped with hands, then mouth.
i get neighbours to help too.

Doctor exclaimed.
what?
You get the neighbours to help too?

Man replied.
yeah, None of us could get the jar open!
 

JOKERCHEW

Alfrescian
Loyal
Old man was driving when wife phoned.
Wife: Honey, be careful.
just heard on news.
there is a lunatic driving on the wrong lane of the express way.

husband: its worst than that.
there are hundreds of them!!
 

JOKERCHEW

Alfrescian
Loyal
Ref #1911, found this pic but does not say where is it?
But, what is it?
 

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JOKERCHEW

Alfrescian
Loyal
Bro Yinyang,
ref yr other thread on clinton,

whats the difference between lewinsky and the rest of us?

When we want a dick in the white house, we just vote.
 

Legolad

Alfrescian
Loyal
An Engineer Could Not Find A Job, So He Opens A Clinic, And Puts A Sign Outside That Says Get Treatment For $50, If Not Cured Get Back
$100.
A Doctor Thinks This Is A Good Opportunity to Show Up The Engineer And Earn A Quick $100. And So He Visits The Clinic.

Doctor: I Have Lost My Sense Of Taste.

Engineer: Nurse , Bring The Medicine From Box No 22 And Place 3 Drops In The Patient's Mouth.

Patient (Doctor): Spits Out The Medicine And Says "This Is Not Medicine, It's petrol".

Engineer: Congrats.. You Have Your Taste Back ..That Will Be $50.

Doctor Gets Annoyed, And Returns After Several Days To Recover His Money.

Doctor : I Have Lost My Memory And Can't Remember A Thing.

Engineer : Nurse , Bring Medicine From Box No 22 And Put 3 Drops In Patient's Mouth.

Doctor: "This Medicine Is For The Sense Of Taste" Protests The Doctor.

Engineer : Congrats. Your Memory Is Back.. ..That Will Be $50.

Doctor Leaves, But After Several Days Angrily Returns For One Last Try.

Doctor : My Eyesight Has Become Weak.

Engineer : Well I Don't Have Any Medicine For That. Take This $100.

Doctor : But This Is $50 Note.

Engineer : Congratulations, Your Eyesight Has Gotten Better.
..That Will be $50.
 

bloodycock

Alfrescian
Loyal
English vs French



In the middle of an international gynaecology conference, an English and a French gynaecologist are discussing various cases they've recently treated.

French Gynaecologist : "Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see me, and 'ER cleetoris - eet was like a melon."

English Gynaecologist : "Don't be absurd, it couldn't have been that big, my good man, she couldn't have been able to walk if it was."

French Gynaecologist : "Aaah, you eenglish, zare you go again, always talkeeng about ze size... I was talkeeng about ze flavour."
 
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